Have you ever been in a position where you are told to not do something by someone of authority and, no matter how you wrack your brains for a reason to not do so, you just cannot find a reason? Say for example, you were walking down the road and you saw something that caught your attention, you veer off and race to take a closer look only to be yanked back by your mother.

I have been. I still am being censured thus.

I am reading Totto-chan: Little Girl at the Window for the seventh time and each time it never fails to make me feel a tinge of regret. I regret that I just let myself be moulded to the contemporary education system without standing up and trying to revolutionise. I wonder to myself it was because it was too hard or was it because I was conditioned to fear being different from the crowd?

Nevertheless, my favourite paragraph in the book is this:

Having eyes, but not seeing beauty; having ears, but not hearing music; having minds, but not perceiving the truth; having hearts that are never moved therefore never set on fire. These are the things to fear, said the headmaster

For every point in that paragraph, I can pinpoint an incident to underscore it. For having eyes, but not seeing beauty are about these bunch of frightful worms that have made their home in trees that line a path that I take to get to the train station. These worms are HUGE (from the tip of your longest finger to the base of the palm), yet few have noticed them. For having ears, but not hearing music, my boyfriend once told me he never had his heart moved by music before. I was just stunned, I was unable to understand how could anyone not have experienced that shining, warm feeling that washes over your heart when beautiful music plays? Having minds, but not perceiving the truth relates to how people just never wonder how something happens or why something works. They just accept that’s how it happens and never question. Their innate curiosity has been baked to death by too much routine. Having hearts that are never moved therefore never set on fire is the most poignant point for me. When I take the train and look around me, I always will come across a face so devoid of expression it scares me. I tell myself I must never end up like that. I embrace my emotions fiercely. I am proud that I let myself feel sadness, anger, disappointment, hope, passion without feeling ashamed or the need to restraint my emotions inwardly, that my heart is still alive in these abrasive times.

Interestingly, all of these I never learnt in school. My most precious lessons in life were taught to me in a multitude of settings. While I can’t change the past, I promise myself that I will never back down and change who I am to fit into this world.

And you?

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